Quick Roast
Free
A fast reality check before you spend another dollar on marketing.
- 5-point scorecard
- 3 priority problems
- Your biggest conversion blocker
Your business asked for honesty 🔥
Find out why customers aren’t buying.
Upload your website, menu, social profile, or listing. Get a sharp, entertaining AI teardown that scores what works and exposes what is costing you sales.
Start free. No fake compliments. No jargon-heavy report.
Biggest problem
Your offer isn’t obvious within five seconds.
The honest promise
Useful enough to act on. Funny enough to share.
01
Specific, not generic
Every roast focuses on the actual assets you submit—not a recycled checklist.
02
Blunt, never cruel
We call out confusing offers and leaky customer journeys without punching down.
03
Recommendations over theatre
The jokes make it memorable; ranked, practical fixes make it valuable.
The teardown
One upload. Five scores. Zero sugar-coating.
SAMPLE SCORECARD
First impression6.2/10
Pricing4.8/10
Branding7.1/10
Social presence3.9/10
Offer clarity5.4/10
What we inspect
- Website or landing page
- Menu and pricing
- Social profile and content
- Google Business profile
- Offer, positioning, and calls to action
Part AI analysis, part commercial common sense—with an especially sharp eye for hospitality and customer experience.
How your roast lands
- 1
Submit the evidence
Send the pages, profiles, menus, or listings customers use to judge you.
- 2
We find the friction
Your assets are scored for clarity, trust, pricing, branding, and conversion.
- 3
You get the fixes
Receive ranked problems and practical changes, with optional rewriting and optimisation.
Pick your heat level
Start with the roast. Pay for the rescue.
Need ongoing help? Marketing and operations support starts from $299/month after an initial teardown.
Full Teardown
$19
A deeper diagnosis of what customers see, feel, and fail to understand.
- Complete business teardown
- Clear, ranked recommendations
- Practical next steps
Fix the Flavour
$49
The roast, plus sharper words you can put to work immediately.
- Everything in Full Teardown
- Rewritten offer or menu copy
- Rewritten social bio
Full Optimisation
$149
A hands-on package for businesses ready to clean up the whole customer journey.
- Full audit and action plan
- Offer and messaging overhaul
- Priority optimisation support
Ready for the truth?
Your customers already judge your business.
Get their first impression before it costs you the next sale—and leave with a clear list of what to fix.
Get my free roast →